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I'm just going to return this thing. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time screwing around with it.

I got it at buy.com
http://www.buy.com/prod/acer-emachines-520-2496-notebook-intel-celeron-m-575-2ghz-15-4-wxga/q/loc/101/209114569.html
I was noticing on Google that these appear to have been sold...

although I tried putting the DVD in and booting from there but same result. Yeh I tried startx but it just says command not found

This is a BRAND new laptop--emachine E520. It says "Linpus Linux LiveCD Edition v9.2 b080801av1 on the screen.

I just bought a new laptop with a Linux OS (and apparently there are many variations but I have no idea which one it is). I didn't think it would be a major project to turn it on and get into it but...